The Lee's Blog

Swinging, Rocking, Rocked

2011-12-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

My world is spinning. I am a ballerina trying to do a triple pirouette on the tiny point of one toe.

I spin out of control. The world is a dizzying place. And my muscles are sore; they feel like melting jello.

This is my life right now on zero sleep. Do you like my metaphor?

Having a colicky infant is hard (she has inconsolable crying for hours every single day AND night). Having a colicky infant plus a highly active, non-napping toddler is very, very hard. I am really tired. Out of my mind exhausted.

But there is mercy for tomorrow morning.

I remember driving to the park. I probably shouldn't be driving. But I remember the oversized, swinging chair they have for the handicapped and kids with special needs there in the playground. I sat in that giant, cradling, contoured chair. And I swung back and forth, back and forth, my little baby strapped to me in the carrier I was wearing. It was the hand of God, that chair. I almost fell asleep there, quieted and soothed and rocked to sleep. Though nobody can see and many don't care, I am shrieking and crying and quite inconsolable at times inside my heart.

I rock my baby, and God rocks me. I will say it again. There is grace for tomorrow morning.

I respond to my baby every time she cries in pain; will God not respond to me? Will He not nurse me as I nurse my own child? "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Of if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him" (Matthew 7:9)

God hears my cries and He will answer and give grace for this moment and for the moment I will need it tomorrow.

Four of us

2011-11-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

We all sit on the king-sized mattress, on top of a soft, fluffy mound of blankets and pillows.

Tasha won't be left alone to sleep in her crib because she wants to be held. And so I hold her, gladly, knowing these days pass so fast and can it just stay like this forever?

She is propped between my legs and Noelle cuddles up against my side. Daddy brings a book and we, the four of us, read our bedtime story together. It's such a party. A sleepover.

It's so much fun that I don't want to stop with just one story. And usually it's Noelle who wants more than one book at bedtime. This time it's me.

But Kevin knows better - it's late for Noelle and for us, too. We were up until almost dawn with the newborn, but somehow the lack of sleep doesn't feel too bad.

The house is a lot noisier, too, with sounds of nonsensical chatter and singsong whimsy and baby's crying. Yesterday the walking and talking girl was climbing the stair rails yelling, "I'm trying to be a monkey! I'm trying to be a monkey!" while her father gritted his teeth and flared his nostrils with anxiety about her falling.

I am pretty much head over heels for my new little girl. She's the quiet one who just murmurs and nurses and breathes softly like a bird.

There is so much fat and marrow in these days. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; these days He has given and given and given. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Child of my Womb

2011-11-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

I sit beside her miniature bed.

I am a big, pregnant lady - belly swollen and skin stretched impossibly taut - sitting on a laughably small, white chair. There's a weight limit on that chair, but it's always held me for these nine months of weight gain, so I continue to sit next to her as she drifts off into sleep.

She likes her back to be scratched as she drifts. So I scratch it for her.

Her skin feels as thin as a balloon and underneath it are delicate bones. Like once when I felt a toy Yorkie and its quick, shallow breaths felt so fragile underneath the bones and soft fur as breakable as a hamster's.

Asleep now, her breaths are deeper and restful and slower. Her eyelids are shut together as softly as petals on her cheeks and I wonder where is she now? Somewhere I cannot follow, somewhere God takes her, takes all of us individually when we sleep.

She came from inside me - deep down in the dark unseen - her head once wedged between my pelvis, murky waters cushioning ears and eyes from sound and light. Somehow God put her together: she has skin, hair, miraculous eyes, impossible brain so intricate, ten fingers and ten toes. And she can laugh like I've never heard a person laugh before.

She started a baby with meconium poop from all the months inside my womb, and now she walks upright in the world and talks to us and when she sees me tired she says, "Mama, you lay down to sleep awhile." O, Child, when did you become so compassionate?

It's a brief time He's given to me with this child. I feel it falling out of my cupped hands like sand through the fingers. And I am reluctant to let it go.

These Days

2011-11-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

My heart is quiet these days.

I am thankful that this baby has reached almost 40 weeks.

That is God's goodness.

I am very curious the cup awaiting me to drink. What will labor be like this time? God knows. Long or short, painful or mild. He has a cup prepared for me to drink, when the time is right.

I am looking forward to meeting our new little one, nursing her, changing her diaper and marveling at what a miracle has been wrought in the womb. These nine months of dark mystery will sprout up into a flower.

Meanwhile our oldest has blossomed into a flower all her own. She's a little personality so sweet and real as any person walking this earth. Suddenly she's been insisting that she absolutely will not wear pants - she wants to wear skirts and dresses. And she prefers pink or purple to any other color. "I don't like black," she says.

She is also very unlike the rotten child that I was when I was her age. Whereas I used to hoard all my food, she shares even her most favorite and prized snacks with me and her dad and anyone else who is close with her. She is marked by a very peculiar generosity and trust in those around her.

She has remarked before that she would like to share a bed with her baby sister. I imagine this would be a sweet arrangement once they're both a bit older...

...for all the Hard Things

2011-08-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

From my journal of "Learning to See and Name Gifts" :

63. Second, third, and never-ending chances. I lose my way but God gives another chance. Again.

64. Forgiveness. God's, my husband's, my daughter's.

68. Sleep. Lack of sleep. All the circumstances that prevent my napping.

69. A child's sudden onset of stomach virus at the end of a long and tiring day. God has a reason.

70. The rice cooker whose button was never pressed. We ate a bountiful meal regardless. How blessed to have a fridge so full we could never starve if we tried.

71. Imperfect days where all my plans are frustrated.

72. God's grace when I've failed His testing AGAIN; failed to see He was the One disrupting "my" plans in order to show me that I need to slow down and take every moment from His hand. I cannot craft the story or outcome of my life. Life is not a big personal TO-DO list nor a cosmic stage to dramatize all my petty achievements. Every single day of my life is His story to tell, not mine.

74. His patience in spite of my incredible ignorance of His ways.

Thank you, Lord, for every frustrated plan of mine, for every wrinkle in my day. Your story is greater than mine and I will let You write it on my life.

The Shortest and Surest Way to Happiness

2011-08-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

If anyone would tell you the shortest, surest way to all happiness
and all perfection, he must tell you to
make a rule to yourself to thank and praise God for everything
that happens to you.

It is certain that whatever seeming calamity happens to you,
if you thank and praise God for it,
you turn it into a blessing.

If you could work miracles,
therefore, you could not do more for yourself
than by this thankful spirit.

It heals and turns all that it touches into happiness.”

~ William Law, A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life

Mercy

2011-08-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

She scampers up the step-ladder, finally at Mama's height. I put the small stainless steel pot in front of her on the kitchen counter, then hesitate before I set the box of oatmeal down, too.

Her little hands reach out, grabbing the container, eagerly, ambitiously pouring the entire contents into the small pot. Flecks of oatmeal decorate the counter and floor.

Thank God most of it made it into the pot. I laugh. Thank God there wasn't much in the box left to make an even bigger mess.

We strike fire and put the pot to boil for our morning breakfast.

Then, as I clean out the fridge, I scrape leftovers - a mound of uneaten quinoa - into a trash bag. The whole thing avalanches onto the floor.

But I stop and think, that's okay. There's mercy for that.

And then I really stop.

So there's mercy for that? But there is no mercy for the child who spills a little oatmeal onto the counter? Who was only trying to help? Who was only trying to imitate her mom?

Later the same morning, I collide into our kitchen cart. The pumpkin seeds in the bowl I hold go flying everywhere. And then my eyes are opened.

God is showing me something.

What is mercy, Jean?

Can I really expect my two year old to keep standards that even I can't achieve? "Don't spill that! Watch out! Wipe your hands!"

Does God make me apologize - make me say "I'm sorry" - every time I am imperfect?

I am crushed beneath the weight of my own stone-hearted hypocrisy.

I judge, I criticize, I find fault. And while I don't knit-pick, I am exacting. And all this on a little person who is forced to spend all day in my care, who just learned to walk a year ago, is barely able yet to pull down her own pants to sit on the potty, and can't even yet hold a pencil the right way. She can't even make a line on a paper, only stabs or scribbles; her fingers aren't developed enough for her to spread jam on toast, she only gouges at the bread with her knife.

And I am holding a standard up to her that even I can't achieve. When she spills her water, when she accidently pees on the carpet, if she drops a ton of crumbs on the dining room floor - just for making my heavy, pregnant body get on hands and knees a hundred times a day, wiping and cleaning - I sigh, I begrudge, I grit my teeth.

God have mercy on a person such as me. Show me how I cannot even live up to my own standards. Let me see how I would balk under my own oppressive oversight if I had to live with a person such as myself. Teach me how to see the mercy and lovingkindness you extend towards me everyday, and give me the grace to extend this same mercy and lovingkindness to those whom I've been entrusted, especially the defenseless young!

"Do not let mercy and truth forsake you. Bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you shall find favor and high esteem in the sight of God and man." Proverbs 3:3

As we sit down to share a meal

2011-07-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

Noelle is trowelling tiny, cut-up spaghetti into her small mouth.

"Mmm...so good," she says. Pure, heart untainted, pleasure expressed.

She's enjoying her meal and so am I.

Then suddenly, "I love you, Mommy. Thank you."

Then she wants to thank God for all sorts of things. For the spaghetti. For the chair. The water. The playdough. So as we shovel spaghetti into our mouths, we punctuate our eating with "Thank you, God, for the delicious food...for Hello Kitty...for Gummy Bears..."

When the spaghetti runs out, I get up to pull strawberries out of the fridge, and Noelle says, "Pray [for] Mommy." She folds her little hands and says, "Dear God. Thank you [for] Mommy."

My heart explodes into a million dots of fiery lights.

I am thankful, too, dear Child. And dear God, I am thankful to You for all that you've given me and continue to give me.

Won't Be Just Me Anymore

2011-07-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

I love looking at her little face every single day. She's like a doll, but with a soul and spirit - an inquisitive look in her eyes, always. She sometimes is so knowing. I'll chat monologue style, and then say to her, "You know what I mean?" And she gives me the most knowing look in her eyes, like, "Yeah, Mommy, I know..."

My heart is so full these days with just my family of three - husband, daughter, me. We travel light. Really light, especially because Lemon Drop (baby #2) is nice and portable in my womb. Just get up and go! But then I look at Noelle sitting there, all by her lonesome self, filled with so much laughter and enjoying her what-have-you. To multiply this "ha ha ha" sound would surely be so good!

Soon.

And it won't just be her anymore.

She'll have a little companion - not a big person companion, but a little one. A littler one than her! Snow cones always taste better when you're enjoying them with a sibling.

Two sisters together. What a sweet life.

Spicy Peaches

2011-07-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

She insists that these plums are peaches and that they are "spicy." You mean, sour? "Spicy!"

And on the way to the library today, she exclaimed, "So excited!" She's also developed this high-pitched falsetto laugh that she uses to fluff up her delight at things. "So excited: ha HA ha!"

My days are filled with laughter - mostly Noelle and her little voice, "ha ha ha!" everywhere we go.

Learning to See and Name Gifts

2011-07-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've been inspired to open my eyes and see not what I want but what I have.

I didn't realize that so much of what I think about and journal about (in my private journal) relate to the future. I am always dreaming about future projects and goals. It's not necessarily a bad thing, since the ability to have vision for the future can be a great motivator in life. And, plus, creative people must, by definition, have a visionary mindset. They must be able to see or envision what does not yet exist.

But I also want to be a joyful person filled to the brim with gratitude for the things that surround me every day. I really want to see every blessing from God and not miss it.

So I must learn to take the time and see the blessings, to name them, to count them, and to record them.

I plan on reading the book One Thousand Gifts: Learning to See and Name Them by Ann Voskamp, once it becomes available at the library. That's the book whose quotes are inspiring me. I'm sixth in line, so it won't be until a few months from now...but I'm so happy to be able to read free books at the library!

Until then, I'm starting my record of one thousand gifts right away, because gratitude and joy start the moment I think of a gift He's given. I think I will kick it off here, and post occasionally some highlights from my journal. Without further ado...These are the gifts I have been given:

1. The privilege of borrowing virtually any book I wish to read from the library

2. Having a view of trees, flowers, animals and people from our dining table every mealtime

3. Successful potty training with Noelle

4. The cool, night breezes of summertime in Los Angeles

5. Hearing Noelle say, "I love you" and "Goodnight" every night before bed

I encourage you to read the blog post that inspired me to thankfulness. It's truly uplifting, especially if you struggle with getting discouraged in the daily grind of life, like me. Some days I can't see past the dirty dishes and runny noses, the diapers, the laundry, the fatigue. But my spirit has been so refreshed today by the simple practice of gratitude! I am excited to become a more grateful woman.

Diaper-free

2011-06-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

Oh, the sweet life of being diaper-free! No more stink; everything gets flushed straight down the potty. Oh, the goodness of God in letting me live during the era of modern plumbing and sanitation! Kevin and I have actually stayed up way past our bedtime on numerous occasions talking about the history of chamber pots. How GRATEFUL we are for modern toilets and sewage! How grateful for hot running water, for showers and drainage. If you stop to think about it, every time we take a shower, it is a luxury that pre-modern mankind has never known before!

Anyway, Noelle has been doing GREAT with potty training. We started "introducing" her to her little potty at around 18 months, putting her on it right before her bath. After about a month of doing this, she began to make "deposits" randomly into it, for which we gave her stickers. But she was still in diapers all day and night and was definitely not trained to use the potty for every single void.

When she hit two years old, I got a little nervous and decided to get serious about potty training before the birth of our next baby. I didn't want to change two kids' diapers, certainly not a toddler's diapers. My opinion is that if the majority of the world potty trains their kids by the time they are one, or at latest, two-years-old, then why can't I? (Do a search and you'll find it's true! Only because of disposable diapers and our modern busy lives have we as a society started to potty train our kids later and later, at three or even four-years-old) (Another interesting fact: my brother was diaper-free by one year old! Yes! And can you believe this was the norm in China and Taiwan just a few decades ago? He was potty trained by my grandmother, who also had bound feet, another relic of ancient culture, but that is besides the point...)

So, in a nutshell, when she turned two years old, we cracked down on potty training by taking away her diapers. No more poo poo and pee pee in the diaper. Now it will go in the potty.

[Cue circus music.]

Screen shows toddler frantically walking about pooping and peeing all over the carpet, underwear, and VERY occasionally, the potty.

Camera does a close-up of mother's contorted face, the anguish and frustration pouring out onto her face in the form of sweat beads.

The above scenario went on for about two weeks, during which time I became a depressed and sour-faced wife. Kevin would come home from work and I just couldn't do much but stare at my food during dinner, mope about my life, and continue to make Noelle sit on the potty like the tyrannical potty training Nazi I had become. (Seriously, putting a child on the potty every 30 minutes of her waking life is truly a form of torture for the mother, not to mention the child).

But, then came small successes. Gummy bears were gobbled up in increasing measure as she experienced the reward of voiding in the potty instead of in her underwear. And there was also the joy of becoming independent, of becoming responsible for her own bodily fluids. Now she screams, "I did it!" every time she goes. I can't imagine depriving her of that pride for another year, had I decided to wait until she was three-years-old.

With a few days more practice, and having to help me clean up her own accidents, she really "got it." We're in the third week of potty training and now she tells me when she needs to go. I can take her out in public and she will use the public restrooms. She sometimes wakes up dry after sleeping. It feels like a miracle and I look at her a whole new way. No longer a baby, I guess. But a small, little adult on her way to independence. It may not be the most delicate of topics for conversation, but I am truly proud of my little girl for learning how to be responsible for her own pees and poops!

Potty Training and Other Fun Adventures

2011-06-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

Nobody ever told me that potty training a two-year-old meant that I would have pee spots all over my carpet! Sometimes I can't tell if it's water that spilled or if she ran around and dribbled everywhere. Now I hope you don't avoid coming over because of what I just shared!

Motherhood has been full of surprises. I really had no idea how much a baby can nurse when they first come into the world. Like...up to 18 times a day?

I had no idea that my toddler has the capacity to pee a full load every 15 to 30 minutes at times. Who knew since there was a diaper there to keep everyone blissfully ignorant? I was not warned that I would have to strap the toddler to the potty the entire day in order to prevent wet spots all over my carpet. And did anyone else know that people keep portable potties in their cars to give their kids a place to pee? I certainly didn't.

Also, the child just turned two but is fast approaching the day when she will no longer need a nap at all anymore. I just didn't know that I would still need a nap even after she outgrew hers. Now I find myself saying, "It's mommy's nap time. You keep quiet and try not to wake me up." My how the tables have turned!

I have a feeling that this is just the beginning. When I look at parents who have teenagers to care for, I can only scratch my head...

Home Birth

2011-05-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

For baby #2, we are planning a home birth!

I just finished reading Maria Von Trapp's book, The Story of the Trapp Family Singers, and was struck by what she said about having one of her babies in America. It so closely mirrors the way I feel about it:

"Oh, and time and again, Mrs. Dinker told me that one had to have a doctor and one had to go to a hospital to have a baby. I was finally persuaded to make one concession: the doctor. But go to a hospital -- that was ridiculous. Why? What for? I wasn't sick. In Europe you went to a hospital when you were dangerously sick, and many people died there, but babies were born at home. Would they in the hospital allow my husband to sit at my bedside? Could I hold his hand, look into his eyes? Could my family be in the next room, singing and praying? The answer to all these questions was "no."

All right, that settled it. I tried to explain that a baby had to be born into a home, received by loving hands, not into a hospital, surrounded by ghostly-looking doctors and masked nurses, into the atmosphere of sterilizers and antiseptics. That's why I would ask the doctor to come to our house."

Your Authentic Self

2011-03-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

“Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

The Itsy Bitsy Spider and other Memories

2011-01-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

We sit on the toilet and sing Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Well, it's more like Noelle sits on her little potty and I sit on the bathroom floor singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider.

There are moments during the day where I look at her and she has her two tiny pointer fingers touching each other, and she is staring intently at her fingers meeting. She sings some melody, not quite "Itsy Bitsy," but it's supposed to be something like it. She's thinking so hard -

"How does it work? How does mommy make her fingers look like a spider climbing up the spout?"

And then I remember so vividly of thinking the exact same thing when I was little. I remember putting my two pointer fingers together and thinking, "It's something like this...but I can't quite finger out how to make the fingers climb..."

It is amazing how we go from simple, happy, goofy, little things to complex, self-sufficient, knowing adults. It happens moment by moment, song by song, letter by letter. And suddenly we are grown up.

This afternoon I put in a ballet workout video. For the first time Noelle got on the floor and imitated what I was doing. Leg in the air, stretching.

And, of course, I remember when I did workout videos with my mom.

Do you ever feel like you are just living the dreams/lives of many mothers before you?

My Sewing Revelation

2011-01-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

I have owned a simple sewing machine for 10 years that I got from Walmart for $99. For those 10 years I could never finish an edge to look like it was done with a serger:

All the projects I wanted to do that called for this serged edge required a more expensive sewing machine. But, now, NO MORE!

I cannot believe it took me 10 years to realize that I can create a serged-like look with my humble, little machine by simply using an "over edge stitch."

Also known as the "overlock stitch," it is used to prevent the edge of a fabric from fraying. All you have to do is switch your presser foot to zigzag and sew your edge with half of the zigzag on the fabric and half of the zigzag off.

Or as my instruction manual writes: "Place the edge of the fabric under the presser foot so the needle enters the fabric when the left side of the zigzag stitch is sewn and misses the edge of the fabric with the right side of the stitch. Sew with this needle position along the edge of the fabric."

This little piece of knowledge - just like when I discovered how easy "bias tape" was to use - changes my creative sewing endeavors forever!!!

Going from mere "vision" to "reality of making the vision happen" is so rewarding. There's so much more to discover, too. I think over the years I've realized that I'm not really a crochet, knit, scrapbook or knick knack craft kind of person. But sewing has always stuck, and along with ballet (being my chosen form of dance), it is now a recognized recreational pursuit worth investing in.

Waking up the mind

2011-01-15T22:29:00.000-08:00

A curious thing has been happening here in the Lee household.

We are reading more.

During dinner Kevin reads The Screwtape Letters aloud to us. We also read Mrs. Piggle Wiggle for some fun. During dinner prep, I put on The Swiss Family Robinson audiobook for Noelle and me to listen to.

My mind is waking up!

The fire that once burned bright in my schooling days has been lit again, and the flame is burning stronger everyday.

I notice that Noelle can entertain herself for a longer time now. What a huge change from a few months ago! She used to get bored easily and want to watch Sesame Street. Now she's always busy doing something, reading a book, pretending to cook, pretending to dress up, feeding her doll, looking at bugs and dogs. Recently she's been fascinated with Chinese audiobooks and learning her Chinese alphabet. She's not running to the laptop screaming, "Elmo! Elmo! Elmo!" any longer. What a relief! The "no tv" experiment is working. One of the things I seek to give Noelle is the ability to be resourceful and creative and imaginative, and the ability to experience the joy of reading.

Our resolutions are working on me, too. I have a whole, new list of books I want to read and am reading. I'm journaling again. That part of my mind that has been underused is now getting exercised again. To my shame, all the time I've lost, all the moments I did not use my mind for God's glory, when I did not love Him with my fullest potential - may God restore the years that the locusts have eaten.

And Kevin's having a renaissance of his own as well. He's the one who wanted to watch a theatrical adaption of C. S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, an interest which has plunged me delightfully back into the world of thinking and imagination again. Tonight we sat through a 1.5 hour theatrical adaptation of Screwtape Letters at the Alex Theater in Glendale. Can I just say that my mind felt very strained for the first 15 minutes of the show? My modern, image-dependent, sound-bite addicted, ADHD sensibilities simply could not adapt so quickly to a one-person monologue, much less a monologue written by one of the greatest thinkers of the 20th century. Ever sat through a Shakespeare play and just got really nervous because you couldn't follow anything they were saying? That was me tonight. But it got easier once my mind started waking up a little to do some work. Paying attention, I am realizing now more than ever before, is really a skill to be cultivated. Neglect it and your whole life suffers.

The End of One Year, the Start of Another

2010-12-31T23:20:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Over here we're just starting to scratch the surface on a lot of things. It's fitting that it's about to be a new year because there are some changes happening in the Lee family.

We are finally cloth diapering full-time! It's too bad that it took us one-and-a-half years to overcome our fear of touching, smelling and seeing poop. All we could manage when we first had a baby was: take off stinky diaper, roll it up as fast as humanly possible, and discard into the trash can where the poo is no longer anyone's problem (except the trashman's).

Fast forward to now. Here is the new routine: take off stinky diaper, clean tush, take diaper to toilet and flush poo, use hand-held toilet sprayer to clean off the diaper, throw diaper into pail to be washed soon.

I'll be honest. It was really hard when we first started. REALLY HARD. Like, hard for me not to want to vomit. And for these reasons alone, I don't advise anyone to do it unless they are really persuaded with their own reasons (whether financial or environmental). There was a learning curve for us, and an upfront cost. I found myself needing to buy 18 diapers, special detergent to wash them with, a diaper sprayer, flushable liners, and waterproof bags to hold soiled diapers in. On top of this, I wash diapers about everyday now.

However, on the plus side, I really like putting Noelle in cloth diapers! The feeling of going to Target, and being able to pass right on by the diaper aisle without having to load up the cart with yet another box of diapers feels really gratifying. It feels really good to use the same, cute, clean, organic cloth diapers on Noelle over and over again. It's nice not to have a plastic bag full of dirty, disposable diapers to add to the pile of trash I'm sending to the landfill. It's actually fun for me to wash them. And I'll tell you a secret, it's really really fun to have a clothesline out on our upper balcony (where nobody but us can see). Hanging diapers out there in the California sun to dry! There's really nothing quite like it.

Of course now that we've got the system up and running in the way of cloth diapers, it's ironic that we've started to potty train the little girl! The good thing is that the diapers we have (Bumgenius Elemental All-in-Ones and Grovia All-in-Ones) are size-adjustable. They fit newborns up to Toddlers. They can be used as training pants, and they can also be used for the next baby. And they are going to save us thousands of dollars in the long run.

On another note, I'm looking forward to next year. I just finished reading The Plug-in Drug, in which Marie Winn studies the effect that television has on child development and family life. Really, I was trying to make a decision for what to do with Noelle during the time that I needed her to stay out of trouble. Putting on something for her to watch (Sesame Street, PBS, etc.) really became easy and T.V. was acting like a babysitter for me. If she fussed while I was trying to get dinner ready, it was becoming the solution. I noticed that she started to ask for it more and more, whenever she was bored, whenever she saw anything that reminded her of her shows.

So for December we made a resolution to get rid of T.V. and see what would happen. I was pleasantly surprised. It is forcing me to be more proactive in finding something for her to do. It is also forcing her to be more imaginative in her play. Kevin and I now read a ton more books. We are also reading more books to Noelle and to each other. I'm really looking forward to the new year to see what other fun activities, outings, and learning opportunities are waiting for us.

Lastly, because this post is so long, I just wanted to mention briefly that home schooling has been on our brain. Kevin and I are listening to a series of seminars on the advantages of home schooling as well as the difficulties that people encounter. It feels like the beginning of a wild adventure...And something for which I will have to share more about later.

Happy New Year!

The Cloth Diapers are Here!!!!

2010-11-29T14:22:00.001-08:00

On Black Friday I purchased some cloth diapers (Bumgenius Elemental Organic All-in-ones, to be specific). It took forever to decide which ones to purchase because apparently, cloth diapers are for mothers what electronics are for men. There are more brands, features and designs for cloth diapering crazy mothers than I can count or read about. It's a whole world with specific terminology and lingo, usage, maintenance, cleaning.

ANYWAY, I've gone and done it. The idea is that we will stop pouring money (in the form of used, disposable, non-biodegradable diapers) into the landfills and be able to reuse these lovely cloth diapers on our first child and beyond.

Will keep updated on how it goes :)

On Another Note: Home Birthing

2010-11-10T14:38:00.000-08:00

You may or may not care, but I don't plan on having another baby in a hospital. Having another baby - YES, may God bless us (not that we are pregnant again). Birthing another baby inside the four walls of a hospital - NO, thank you.

When I talk about home birth, some people look at me like I have an elbow growing out of my forehead. Well, how do you think women have given birth for thousands of years before medical hospitals were invented. Midwives. All done at home.

And plus I live 4 minutes away from the hospital, so it's not like I couldn't get transferred in the event of an emergency.

But, WHY? is the question. Don't I want the comfort and safety of the hospital? Oh, the needles and tubes and wires and gadgets stuck to me, winding around my legs while I am trying to cope with labor pains; the nurse telling me I have to wait to push, even though the baby is already 2+ station coming out....just because they need the OB to catch the newborn...and the OB is not here yet?

Actually, the biggest reason I don't want to give birth in a hospital is for post-partum reasons. I literally did not sleep a wink at the hospital after giving birth to Noelle. We had her at 5am. I was not "discharged" until the following morning at 8am. Count the hours awake: somewhere around 49 to 50 hours, and the first quarter of those hours were spent in labor.

For a person like me, the hospital is not a place of safety, comfort and rest. Sorry! I just have trouble sleeping in an unfamiliar environment and those who have known me since I was young know that this is true. In fact, when Kevin and I first got married, it took me a full year to adjust and start sleeping well again! Normally, it's ok to to lose some sleep - but not when you've just gone through labor with no epidural, you haven't been sleeping well anyway because you were 38 weeks pregnant, and you won't be sleeping well for the next 3 months!!

When Kevin brought me and Noelle home from the hospital (this was after we begged them to release us so that I could go home and get some sleep), I remember collapsing in the comfort of our bed and thinking, "Never again."

Next time I am doing it at home. No more jackhammers (yes, they had jackhammers outside my hospital window), no more overhead calls from nurses broadcasting to other nurses in the ward (can you turn it off or at least turn it down? No, because the nurses need to be able to hear it), no more noise and hustle from interrupting nurses and pediatricians and doctors and photo-takers and religious clerics, no more being unable to sleep and nurse with the baby in bed, and no more separation from family (I didn't like being in the hospital alone with strangers who don't care about me).

Do I sound ungrateful? I'll try not to be and just say this: I am thankful that hospitals exist for the many times that births cannot happen naturally and need the help of pitocin, epidurals and c-sections. In the event that something goes wrong, I know I would be very thankful to be sent to the hospital to be cared for. And to give hospitals some more credit, some moms I know say that they had a good experience, that the nurses waited on them and it felt like a "hotel."

For me, however, if I am ever able to have another baby again, I know for sure that the hospital path is not one I will seek out. It might sound crazy, but to me, it sounds so normal to give birth at home.

Change

2010-11-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

Pigtails, pink wings, and a rainbow tutu of sorts. Gotta love having a little girl to dress up for Halloween.

We went to a trick-or-treating thing in downtown Sierra Madre with some family. She had no idea that hundreds of kids were stuffing their faces with candy - my dad gave her some banana to eat. Gotta love that, too.

Our family dynamic is changing more and more everyday. We can't talk about Noelle as much anymore in front of her. She's beginning to understand that we are talking about her. So we say, "She's so C. U. T. E." instead because we don't want her to become conceited. Hehe. I imagine pig latin may come in handy soon, too. And then there's the reserve we must show when an issue comes up that requires a "united parenting front." All the issues have to wait until she goes to bed and we can discuss parenting approach in private.

Life is really flying before my eyes these days. Noelle grows out of her shoes and clothes faster than I ever imagined. Cute shoes and outfits don't have time to become "favorites" - they must be worn a little then shoved into a box for another baby.

New developments hardly have time to be cherished. She's saying new things everyday - every moment - ALL OF A SUDDEN. Now she's a parrot. Rejoice that she can say, "One - two - three!" And the next second she is saying a lot more. There just isn't enough time to take pride in each new thing.

It's like the wind decided to give a great big gust, shaking all the leaves loose off the tree, and here I am running around frantically trying to capture each one. Each leaf is amazing! But I can't hold them all and soon they'll be gone. She is changing so fast.

Suddenly a Toddler

2010-07-07T22:19:00.001-07:00

I walk, I crawl, I wobble here and there! I can go so fast! I like to feel myself zipping down the hallway on two legs. The speed is addicting!

I pick at Grandma's mouth and eyes as she pretends to sleep. I go into crazy giggles when I find out she is only pretending.

I giggle A LOT when it gets late and it's past my bedtime.

Books are my favorite things to look at. That and other babies. I am very interested in little people. They are so small and they are my size.

I like to eat crackers. I just discovered them. I don't want to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner anymore. I just want crackers.

I can't help but smile when I am happy, and everyone thinks it's so funny, especially when my two teeth show through.

What We are Up To

2010-06-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

Noelle is walking! I started religiously taking her to the park when I realized that she went hog wild at experimental walking when she had wood chips to fall on and other toddlers to chase around. She is also trying really hard to say things, but so far can only manage to say words that begin with the consonants "m" and "b." So "up" sounds like "bup." She's 13 months old!

Kevin is on a break from classes (he's earning a certificate in Human Resources at UCLA Extension). Only one more class to go before he's done, yay! He's also started rock climbing more and is doing this thing called "Convict Conditioning" where he is conditioning his body using old school calisthenic methods. He's been reading a variety of things on his own, but to Noelle he reads a book called "Leading Little Ones to God" that explains God's character, the human condition, and the work of Jesus Christ. For our devotions together, he's been reading the Psalms.

As for me, I am going through a stage in my life where I feel up to my eyeballs in sheer joy everyday. I wake up and can't wait to start the day as a mother and wife. I love taking Noelle to the playground, the library, to the zoo - I love coming home and watching her eat a cheese stick all by herself. I love making food for our nightly dinner, then consuming and watching my family consume the dinner with gusto and enjoyment. Right now I am also going through another educational stint on parenting. I am reading Proverbs and just raking it for any wisdom on parenting. There is really so much parenting advice out there in the world - much of it good, and unfortunately, a whole lot of it TERRIBLE. What do you do when there are books and books full of manmade advice on how to raise your child, advice that contradicts and conflicts with each other? Well, you read the Proverbs and you pray for wisdom, of course!

"If you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord, and discover the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." Prov. 2:4-6

I am learning that there is a load of parenting advice out there aimed at the behavior of children. How to manage it, how to modify it, how to control it. How tempting for a young Christian parent to want to reduce parenting to something as simple as behavioral modification. Is my job really only about keeping my child "in line"? Especially (ahem) at church, at the grocery store, in a nice restaurant? The answer is a resounding NO. But what will people think when my child can't sit still at church, throws a tantrum in the checkout line at Target (and on and on go my man-fearing thoughts...).

I am positive that God has so much more for me as a mother than what I just mentioned above. So far, just reading the first three books of the Proverbs has already blown my little mind. For instance, the writer says to his son, "Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and do not forsake your mother's teaching; indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head, and ornaments about your neck" (Prov. 1:8-9). Already a beautiful vision of motherhood is developing right before my eyes: that of teaching and instructing my child, not just manipulating her behavior through spanking, time-outs, or what-have-you every time she disobeys or misbehaves. My job is to teach wisdom and pray that the child receives it and builds internal character that will take her into a fruitful adulthood: "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will guard you, understanding will watch over you" (Prov. 2:10-11). What a high-calling!! Pray for me.

If it's good, share it

2010-05-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

We have been drinking raw cow's milk for a couple weeks now. Guess what, good news for the lactose intolerant: I can totally digest it, no problems!

This is because raw milk has not been pasteurized (heated up) and therefore retains all of the enzymes that natural to milk, including lactase, the enzyme that helps us digest milk.

We are raw milk converts now. Especially when it's from such a reputable source, a farm that has never had any issues with contamination or food poisoning, we are happy!

We buy from http://www.organicpastures.com/ though not online. They have a "hub" (a truck, essentially) in Glendale where we buy their stuff for almost half the price they used to sell it at Whole Foods Market. A family at our Bible Study also buys from them and they've been drinking their raw milk for years.

I am a total "natural parenting" mom, so guess what Noelle is going to be drinking once she can start dairy?

You and Me

2010-05-03T14:12:00.000-07:00

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

- "You and Me," Lighthouse

This is us honeymooning 2 1/2 years ago, with all the fullness of heart and lightness of spirit that we began with when we got married.

Today we are a family of three, but when all the business of life is over, and the baby is sound asleep, it's just you and me and I love our quiet life together.

What I see...

2010-04-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

Life is beautiful. Even when it's messy.

The Universe is Weird

2010-03-12T20:38:00.000-08:00

Our apartment is not the most baby-safe place. There are electrical wires, drawers, shoes, and other things which I cannot hide or stow away. So I try to provide toys and random objects that are safe for Noelle to manipulate.

A few days ago I went out and bought her a chunky puzzle with farm animals and a fat farmer. Each piece had a knob on it, easy for baby's hands to grab and pull on. When I brought it home, I ripped off the plastic covering, my heart quivering in excitement. A new toy for my baby to play with!

I set it down in front of her and she peered at it, engaging slowly. "What are those knobs?" her brain seemed to say.

Then she reached out, pull on one of them, and appeared shocked that the picture of the fat farmer came up with the knob. She gawked at the piece in her hand, looked at the back of the wooden puzzle piece, then shrieked and dropped the piece like it had burned her.

She then proceeded to do the same shriek-and-drop routine with the duck and chicken puzzle pieces. Yes, I dare say that she actually started to cry at this new toy that I bought her!

There are some other toys we have bought her that also make her cry. Like her Gertie Ball. From the moment we blew up the purple ball and bounced it in front of her she has cried like it were a vicious dog barking at her. Today while in the bathroom, I pulled out a loofah for her to "explore." She shrieked and crawled into my arms crying.

It's as if her little mind is trying to accept the fact that not all objects are going to behave the way a solid wooden block does. The loofah is poofy and soft like clothes, but it's heavy and there's a hard plastic stick attached to it. The ball is moving by itself - is it like a dog? Will it jump on me the way I've seen dogs jumping on the grass? What is that loud thing that mommy keeps moving around to and fro on the carpet?

The universe must be a weird place to an infant. Everything is so new and the mind has no way to understand. And so we respond with fear.

New Avenues

2010-03-05T16:58:00.000-08:00

Today we went to the Glendale Public Library where each Friday they have a story telling hour for babies and toddlers, followed by a play time. I thought it would be a good idea to get Noelle started in joining some regular play groups. This was perfect: close by, at the library (one of my favorite places), and right between her naps.

When we got there I knew that it would be what we do every Friday morning. There are bins and bins of toys, lots of babies crawling around and playing, and lots of mothers sitting around talking to each other. Noelle loved it! She is really at a stage where she does not like seeing other mothers (maybe it is related to her fear of having her mother switched out for another?), but she adores seeing other children. When they scream, she squeals. When they laugh, she giggles. It is a joy to witness. When she was there today, she watched the older kids banging the walls with a play hammer. They were engaging in imaginative play: "building a house," they said.

It will be at least a year before her mind is even ready for imaginative play. She is just beginning to have some imitative play. She will pick up her stacking cup and pretend to drink from it.

Right now she is into the minutiae. She wants to pick every little pebble, piece of fuzz, every speck of nothingness off of the floor. Then she wants to put whatever sticks to her finger into her mouth. Who knows what she has eaten? Well, I do - I am the one inspecting her diapers everyday!

One of the mothers at the library said that her son wants to eat and drink everything, too. She said she was horrified when she found her sound drinking from a puddle of water outside!

Last time I went to the children's library, I met a mother whose daughter, one month older than Noelle, was actually more petite than Noelle, whom I feared was not gaining weight adequately. It put my fears to rest after seeing for the first time, a baby smaller than Noelle.

This time at the children's library, I met two mothers who were talking about their birthing experience. They had both had water births at home. They both also happened to be yoga instructors. What caught my attention while they chatted was the fact that they had what they would describe as pretty painless births!

One mother said that she did a lot of prenatal yoga, along with hynobirthing techniques, and she had a painless birth! I could not believe my ears. She said there was some minor back discomfort during contractions, but it was over from start to finish in 6 hours.

The other mother said that while her labor was not painless, it was over in an hour! She said that she felt something in her back; then an hour later, she was giving birth in a tub of water and called it a day!

I always wanted to meet somebody who had had a home birth so I could ask questions and see what their experience was like. Both of these ladies said they would have it no other way, exclaiming that birthing is a very natural process and that women have been giving birth for thousands of years.

Yes, but what about all those women who died in childbirth? And all those infants who died, too? This is the reality, for those people who glamorize "natural childbirth." On the other hand, I have heard too many stories of mothers whose births were over-managed by western hospitals. C-sections galore there! Horrible birthing experiences. That is not the way it should be.

We learn things from people who are not doing it the conventional way. Camille was using an Ergo which she said was way more comfortable than a Baby Bjorn. Nice to know. It has lumbar support and they use it when hiking. I also learned that her PPO covered 4/5th of the cost of her home birth with Leslie Stewart, a midwife whom she highly recommended.

It was nice to come home from the library feeling like I had learned so much - but not from a book - from actual mothers who could tell me in person. And it was nice to hear something new - not just the same old, "I gave birth with this same OB-GYN, at this same hospital." It was a new avenue for me. I am going to look further into home births and am praying that it will be a possibility for us for the next birth.

Saturdays Are Fun Days

2010-02-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

The weekends are fun times in the Lee household. So fun in fact that Noelle loses her Monday-Friday routine of taking 2 naps a day. Jean thinks that it is because Noelle gets really excited when I am around and that I play with her more in the early mornings than Jean would.

Today we made the trek to the Westside for my 6 month dental checkup (which was all good), followed by a visit to Feast from the East for some awesome Chinese Chicken Salad. It was supposed to rain today but we didn't see any rainclouds so we headed for our old stomping grounds UCLA! I've been taking classes for a certificate in HR Management from UCLA Extension so I have a parking pass that is valid on nights and weekends (work even pays for it).

We decided that our journey would start out in Ackerman Student Union so Jean could feed her Wetzel's Pretzels craving and so we could see what had changed (which happened to be a lot). It was nice to bring Noelle to campus and to walk around sharing stories about our college days. Jean and I both went to UCLA but we met at church after we'd both graduated. After Ackerman, we cut through Kerkoff and took an elevator so we didn't walk up Bruin Walk

One thing that stood out about this visit was a new understanding of how inconvenient it must be to be handicap since we were limited to using walkways that included ramps and couldn't use the stairs. If you thought going uphill on Bruin Walk was tiring try having to only use ramps designated for wheelchairs (we only experienced Bruin Walk going downhill though). Noelle and I made the trek downhill while Jean took the stairs. While she was waiting a chinese student tried to evangelize to her and invite her to a bible study.

Since Noelle didn't take her 2nd nap she had an early bedtime so Jean and I didn't eat until she was in bed. Tonight's menu was homemade sukiyaki.

Below is a video that we took on a Monday morning on a day that I didn't go to work.

Dear Noelle,

2010-02-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

You are growing up so fast. There are things I want to remember about this first year of your life, images in my mind which I will never forget.

I still remember when you were just a month or two old, when you would wake up crying and I would take that as my cue to feed you. I read from some book that I was supposed to keep you awake at least an hour so that you would fall into a napping schedule. So after I fed you, I put you on my lap, facing me, your little head cradled in my hands. But your eyelids were so heavy, you just couldn't keep it together! Sleep was going to take you, no matter how hard you or I tried. Your arms became limp as old lettuce. During those times we called you the "narco baby" - sometimes you were narcoleptic and other times you were a spasmatic!

I will also always remember how easily startled you were (and are). Thinking that nobody was watching you, you would do all sorts of acrobatics in your crib, singing and talking (baby gibberish) all the meanwhile. Of course I was peaking on you the whole time, and of course I would forget to "approach your crib gently." Just saying "HI NOELLE!" from the door half-cracked would send you into a near heart attack! Please forgive mommy for all those times I scared you and made you cry. Please forgive mommy for that one ridiculous time I decided it was a good idea to vacuum your room during the end of your naptime. It sure woke you up and sent your heart beating ten times as fast as normal. Mommy is such a knucklehead sometimes!

Something that just happened yesterday sent your dad and me into a crazy fit of giggles, and it is also a scene which I will remember always. We were getting ready to go out: I was in the bathroom doing my ugly hair (some parts of it is as short as daddy's hair and it sticks straight up), and I screamed out of frustration. Your dad and I then heard an echo of my scream from your room. You screamed, too! I was the "Marco," you were the "Polo!" Your daddy and I ran to your room out of excitement and found you standing at your safety gate, your eager little face peering over the edge, knuckles white from pulling up to stand. You screamed again, "Ahh!" And then we looked down. Your pants had plain fallen off and were sitting in a puddle at your feet. Mommy didn't realize that you were so skinny and the drawstring on your pants should have been pulled tighter! Of course your pants would fall off when you stood up! Thankfully it happened when you were very young and the laughs we were catapulted into made you smile and giggle, too.

You are our sweet, little girl. We love you so much and can't wait for you to read our letters some day.

Love,
Mommy

Family Portraits 2010

2010-02-12T23:31:00.001-08:00

We had a great time taking photos with Lukas Van Dyke for Portraits for Missions!

In Defense of Breastfeeding

2010-01-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I last posted. Wondering what we've all been up to?

In short, I've been busy nursing and feeding Noelle, and finding acceptable foods to feed my family. She is 8 months old now, her appetite grows by the minute.

At 6 months old (actually at around 5 1/2 months), I fed her rice cereal, which she threw up in the middle of the night. She would wake up screaming throughout the night for the first time. And contrary to the popular advice of well-meaning people, feeding her solids did not help her sleep through the night but only made her wake up with a tummy ache! Rice cereal did not work. The pediatrician suggested oatmeal, which I dutifully fed her for a month, until I noticed that she started developing a horrible rash all over her face with an oddly bloated look. She often turned her head away, not wanting to swallow another bite...

I didn't realize until I stopped many of her solid foods that she was allergic to many of them! She was starting to look like a racoon with red, puffy circles around her eyes, with red, scaly, dry, itchy skin around her nose and mouth. She had food-allergy induced eczema and angioedema!

Under the supervision of Noelle's pediatrician and allergist, we have been on an "elimination diet" for almost one month now: no rice, oats, dairy, eggs, wheat, shellfish, peanuts, sesame, and the list goes on. Good news: her skin is eczema-free! I am now in the process of adding foods in, one week at a time into my own diet, and gauging whether she is allergic or not. So far, as confirmed by a test at the doc's office, Noelle cannot have rice or oatmeal (not even in the breast milk she drinks). Read: I cannot eat rice or oatmeal because it passes into my breast milk.

I am very certain that I introduced solids too early. The more I read, the more I am becoming educated about the digestive and immune system of infants, especially those who are allergy-prone, like mine. An excellent and well-researched book, in case you are interested, is DEALING WITH FOOD ALLERGIES IN BABIES AND CHILDREN, by Janice Joneja, Ph.d

I am finding that what I fed her too early, too frequently, she has now become sensitized to. This makes sense because younger infants lack intestinal maturity - food proteins pass through the intestinal gut wall that are not recognized as safe by the immune system, and consequently the body "attacks" the foreign proteins, producing an allergic response! Boy am I glad I did not feed her formula. If she is allergic to rice (which, btw, people, is considered one of the most hypo-allergenic grains, which is why pediatricians recommend it as a first food), then think what are the chances she would develop an allergy to dairy, which is on the top 10 of most allergenic foods!

So, all that to say, this month has been a busy one in terms of food: finding and testing acceptable foods on her, finding substitutes in my own diet to give an adequate amount of calories and nutrition for a nursing mother. She is nursing 8+ times a day, sometimes 10+. This will make many people's eyes pop out of their heads! I know mothers who weaned their babies at 5, 6, 10 months. But the reality is that there is no other acceptable food for her besides the handful of things that she eats, plus breast milk!

Which leads me to the topic for which this post was named, IN DEFENSE OF BREASTFEEDING:

-Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics advises AT LEAST one full year of breastfeeding? It is the best food for your baby! Most easily digested, perfectly balanced nutrition, full of immunities that you can pass onto your baby's otherwise unprotected body.

-Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends two years? Not just for third world countries, people! Breast milk is superior to formula, not the other way around.

-Did you know that the ability to maintain milk supply for your infant varies from mother to mother? Some mothers are able to nurse 3-4 times a day indefinitely while others will see a drop and cessation of milk production when nursing that infrequently. That means that for many mothers, the plan to nurse well into the 1st year means you must nurse more frequently if you want to maintain your supply. Yes, it is a commitment! Yes, it means that as you start seeing less and less mothers nursing their older babies in the nursing room at church, you still go and do it!

I have so much more to share, about the milestones that the girl has reached, but will save that for another post.

6 months and counting

2009-11-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

Somewhere around month 5, it became an absolute joy being Noelle's mom! She's past her stage of constant fussiness and is such a happy, sweet baby these days. Even though she is teething badly and has drool rash all over her mouth, and even though she seems like she is in a lot of pain sometimes, she is generally so fun to be with.

Her favorite things to do throughout the day are being on her belly, scooting around here and there, getting up on all fours, getting into things. She's sort of like, excuse the analogy, a little puppy! She paws at things, including my leg, and she'll put everything within reach straight into her mouth. Yesterday she held a miniature mouse (a finger puppet) in her teeth for quite awhile. It still makes me smile when I think about it.

In terms of feeding, she's now moved to the next level - solids! The doctor said that she is one of the more active babies that she's seen and is burning off a lot of calories. She said that I can step up the amount of food I offer her. So far, Noelle has had avocado, pureed pears, carrots, butternut squash, and her new favorite, yams! It's fun to watch her open her little mouth for "more" - and all the "ahhhhhs" (as in, "ahhh" open your mouth) make lunch and dinnertime such amusing activities.

She often needs to rub her face - her teeth hurt? her nose itches? she's tired? - and guess where all the yam ends up. Not just on her chin anymore but all over her hair and face and clothes and highchair!

Inside the head of a 5 month old

2009-10-27T19:07:00.001-07:00

Today I placed Noelle on the bed, propped up on some pillows, while I used the restroom. It was a quick bathroom break, but I still needed to keep an eye on her since she's now gotten in the habit of rolling as a means of transportation. I played peekaboo with the door open - several times, mind you. She saw me appear in the doorway, then disappear, then reappear, then disappear, etc.

Then I paused for maybe two seconds, did the "PEEKABOO!" thing, showing myself, and she literally screamed (her baby scream) out of being startled so abruptly.

I was amused. You would think that she would've caught onto the game, but no, she was actually surprised that I could appear out of nowhere.

Lately she's so easily startled. Just the sight of me, if I don't approach her crib with loud footsteps or my voice to warn her that I'm coming, will cause her to jump in her skin - oftentimes with a gasp. Then she will cry, baby language for "You scared me, Mommy!"

What's even funnier is that while she is nursing, she will occasionally lose her latch and make a loud suction noise, at which point she jumps in her skin, being startled by herself!

I sometimes wonder what she is thinking, what her little brain is capable of understanding. Sometimes I underestimate her, thinking that she doesn't understand a single word I say. But in reality she is already able to cry, "Mama" and I'm pretty sure she knows what I mean when I tell her not to pull my hair (she lets go on command). But then sometimes I think I overestimate her. She is, after all, only 5 months out of the womb. I gave her some rice cereal yesterday and she threw it up in the middle of the night - she is still so young she can't even digest a tablespoon of cooked rice meal!

At the dinner table, she has lately started to lean forward, arms and little hands reaching towards the table, wanting to grasp the glass cup, the fork, the bowl. She will open her mouth until I put a spoon in her mouth - she just won't quit! She gobbled down the rice cereal and the pears I've been spoon feeding her and wanting more after I say, "All done; no more!" I wonder if she is truly hungry, or is she just wanting to be like one of the adults?

If only babies could talk...

Nursing

2009-09-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

The thing about breastfeeding is that your little baby is literally draining away all the minerals, vitamins, and fat from your body every time you feed her. It's been about 3 1/2 months and my hair is starting to fall out! I've heard (and seen, sorry!) of some women getting bald spots, getting brittle nails, and suffering from rickety teeth. And there's still 8 months to go. Wow! How do women who have 5 kids still keep their health?

On the PLUS side, nursing our little girl is really the sweetest thing to me right now! It's what I truly enjoy doing and really is so amazing that a little human being can survive (even GROW!), gaining pounds and pounds, off of nothing more than human milk.

It really makes me laugh some of the things that go on while she's eating...for example, she's really discovered the use of her nails. She really likes to scratch the sheets when she falls asleep for her naps. But when she's feeding, she has this habit of scratching my armpit or arm repeatedly, over and over and over. Meanwhile I'm dying, trying not to scream or make a peep because it's 3 a.m. and I don't want to give her the impression that it is okay to play and laugh in the middle of the night.

The girl's nails and hair are growing at a phenomenal rate, hence my theory that I am transferring all my minerals to her via breastfeeding. I cut her nails twice a week, and I can already put her hair in pigtails at 3 months. On top of that, she's drooling up a storm, sucking constantly on both fists jammed into her mouth, and crying when I touch her gums. Will my teeth start feeling rickety once hers make their appearance in a few months?

Thoughts to Ponder

2009-08-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

"Motherhood is not a romanticized ideal, it is a God-given task, suited to a woman's frame and accomplished joyfully by hard work through His grace and provision. Godly motherhood does not focus on the pretty little child, doesn't focus on infancy and childhood. Let me tell you, godly mothering focuses on adulthood from the start. It focuses on a long-term objective which is mature godly sons and daughters who will live to bring honor and glory to God. That is the calling of scriptural spiritual motherhood. That's what God wants. Those who don't know Christ, they can't even approach it right. Those who do, must."

John MacArthur, God's Pattern for Wives
http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermons/1944

On Motherhood

2009-07-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

I must admit that the last two months have been a challenging journey towards motherhood. You have a baby, and yes, that automatically makes you a mother. But being a good mother, that takes time. Mothering is an art; you learn, you practice, you make mistakes, you get better.

The first month it was just keeping our baby alive by feeding her and keeping her clean. Yes, she would cry and scream a lot, and so, the other priority for the first month was to keep myself alive by sleeping whenever she slept, trying to recover from childbirth.

The second month became a somewhat more organized attempt to establish a rhythm of living. I interviewed veteran moms, asking them about their routines, their ways of mothering, their tips for child-rearing. I read, and am still reading, a lot of books on babycare and parenting. Kevin and I have started reading Shepherding a Child's Heart, by Tedd Tripp, in anticipation for the moment our daughter enters a new stage of consciousness and begins suddenly to make choices. Parenting suddenly becomes a much more spiritual act than changing diapers and swaddling a squirming baby! But that is a topic for another post.

What I wanted to write about was that, at the start of this third month, my eyes have been opened to the diverse world of parenting styles. There is truly no single right way to do anything when it comes to the way you choose to feed your baby (whether on-demand or by way of parent-directed-feeding), the way you choose to put your baby to sleep (letting her cry-it-out or letting her fall asleep in your arms), the way you choose to interact with your baby (carrying her in a sling all day or putting her to play by herself in her bouncy chair).

Being a new mom can be downright intimidating. You really have no idea what you are doing. Right from the start, the hospital tells you to feed your baby on-demand. Then the pediatrician comes in and says to feed her every two hours. Already you are paralyzed in confusion, and it's only the first day of being a mom! This very type of scenario - where I am paralyzed in confusion - happens all the time to me!

Thankfully God has given us the grace to hobble through these first couple months. We are still learning what works for us and what doesn't. I am especially learning that when it comes to caring for a baby, most of it boils down to simple matters of personal preference. It is very liberating to know that if there is no true biblical basis for any suggested parenting practice or style, then I really do not need to heed the advice.

To conclude, I wanted to give a verse from Isaiah that I like. God actually uses the analogy of a mother to describe the way He will be towards Jerusalem. God has made mothers with a natural and beautiful impulse to comfort and nurse their child. This relationship between mother and child is so full of beauty that He uses it to express the kind of relationship He will have toward Jerusalem.

Isaiah 66:10-13

¹⁰"Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her,
all you who love her;
rejoice with her in joy,
all you who mourn over her;
¹¹that you may nurse and be satisfied
from her consoling breast;
that you may drink deeply with delight
from her glorious abundance."

¹²For thus says the LORD: "Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river,
and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream;
and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip,
and bounced upon her knees.
¹³As one whom his mother comforts,
so I will comfort you;
you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.

My Constant Companion

2009-07-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

This is who I see on a daily basis. She's either sleeping, eating, crying, peeing or pooping. Lately, at 6 1/2 weeks, she has started smiling in her sleep.

She's beginning to love taking her baths. She likes being wrapped up in her towel while in the buff.

She absolutely LOVES to sleep on her belly despite how the pediatrician lectured her about it. She just can't seem to catch any zzz's for very long on her back.

Mommy School

2009-07-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm a mom, there's been a ton of new things to learn! Last month I started with reading a bunch of books on postpartum recovery for my own body (honestly, it was a shock finding out what a woman's body goes through after she gives birth!). Then I moved on to books regarding childcare (from the basics of caring for a baby to information on childhood vaccinations).

Isn't it funny that we go through four years of college education, staying up late and pulling those all-nighters studying for an exam on something like, say, Latin verb conjugations and noun declensions, but then years later realize it was a partial waste of effort and time since it has nothing to do with what I really wanted to be all along: A WIFE AND A MOMMY.

Here is a "Reading List" for Jean as she goes through "Mommy School":
(they also happen to be my favorite, or, the ones that I felt helped me the most)

A Natural Guide to Pregnancy and Postpartum Health, by Dean Raffelock
(This book is highly recommended, especially if you're really into nutrition like I am. I was spoiled by my mom and mom-in-law because in Chinese tradition, the first month after a woman gives birth is a critical time of recovery during which time relatives - i.e. mom and mom-in-law - make nourishing foods for her to boost lactation and facilitate in healing. On top of having special meals from my mom and mom-in-law, I also followed nutritional guidelines in this book, which I thought really helped me avoid common postpartum health issues like fatigue, postpartum depression, dwindling milk production, etc.)

The Post-Pregnancy Handbook, by Sylvia Brown
(Emphasizes recovery from a more natural perspective. Recommended exercises done while I was bed-ridden really did help me!)

A Parent's Concise Guide to Childhood Vaccinations, by Lauren Feder, M.D.
(An overview of childhood vaccines. This book also happens to be written by Noelle's pediatrician, but I specifically chose a doctor who is OK with parents who choose to vaccinate on an alternate schedule rather than the CDC's recommended vaccine schedule. It's a controversial topic, but after reading books/lectures, I've decided for now only to go forward with four vaccines for Noelle: Dtap, Hib, IPV, and PCV.)

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth, M.D.
(Solidly and scientifically researched info on childhood sleep needs. This book is helping me sleep train my baby. She's learning how to fall asleep on her own right now, and yes, basically it means I have to let her cry herself to sleep. But it works! I'm also learning all about infant sleep and the importance enforcing and preserving a nap schedule.)

Cloth Diapering?

2009-05-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine has decided to venture into cloth diapering for her baby girl. Besides her, I know one other family who uses cloth diapers for their baby.

Before having our daughter, I had some romantic notion that cloth diapering would be so natural, so environmentally-friendly, so gentle on baby's little bum. There would be less diaper rash, less money spent on disposable diapers, less garbage around the house.

Now that we're 11 days into parenthood, I could honestly care less whether I have to spend hundreds of dollars on disposables, whether our trash cans seem to accumulate heaps of dirty diapers, or honestly, whether our little girl gets diaper rash sometimes. Just get the poo out of our way so the baby stops crying at the top of her lungs while we change her!! I really CANNOT deal with having to wash dirty poo diapers right now. I can hardly deal with changing 10 diapers a day, period.

But I know that once things settle down a bit, when a routine develops and we are getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night, I will want to try cloth diapers.

Several brands have peaked my interest: Gdiapers (Julia Roberts uses these, which is supposed to be some sort of a selling point for the company, I guess), BumGenius (recommended by a friend, Abi), and Gro Baby (recommended by another friend, Helen). They all have these outer "shells" with inserts that are either disposable or washable.

First up in the cloth diapering experiment will be Gro Baby, especially since they are giving away a free sample for blogging mothers! http://www.thenaturalbabyco.com/grobaby%E2%84%A2-ic-11_16.html

A Little Gift from Above

2009-05-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

Jean's Journal entry amidst labor (The story of her unmedicated birth)

2009-05-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

"May 19^th, 2009

This morning when I woke up I was having a contraction with cramps. They were coming on and off for weeks (if not months – the Doc made me take Terbutaline to stop “premature contractions” at 33 weeks and then again at 36 weeks).

I went to a checkup at the doctor’s office at 11:30am as part of my regularly scheduled appointments, and he said I was 38 ½ weeks (due date May 26, 2009), 70% effaced and 2 cm dilated.

By about 3:30 p.m. I noticed they (contractions) were getting pretty close together. Lying down or doing things didn’t make them go away. I started cooking at 4:30 p.m., and that’s when the cramps and pinkish bloody show came. By 6 we were eating dinner and I really felt the contractions growing in intensity. We packed the car after dinner, watched a TV show. I took a shower, packed Kevin a sandwich, and at 8pm we headed to the hospital. I was afraid that my water had broken, and my contractions (3-5 min. apart consistently) were going to cause the baby to come.

They observed me until 9:30pm; the nurse said the baby was doing beautifully with the contractions. That was good to hear. We could go home to go labor more there.

Now we are at home – Kevin’s belly is satiated with In-and-out, and I’ve just gorged on meatloaf and a bagel. We are listening to Christian hymns and it’s wonderful to have such beautiful truth to meditate on. It’s about 11 p.m. at night.

Here’s some more I hope to think about:

“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God. The faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.” Deuteronomy 7:9

“My soul, waits silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved.” Psalm 62:5-7"

"May 20^th, 2009

I have given birth to a beautiful daughter! Here is the rest of the story of what happened:

We went upstairs to lay down at about midnight, and we were laying there until 1 pm and suddently I heard a POP!! My water broke!

Kevin leapt up from bed and we jetted out of the house to the Labor & Delivery Room. There was such a relief when it popped, but then suddenly the contractions seemed to get more painful. I started shaking. Kevin freaked out.

Somehow we made it to the triage shaking, I was checked to be 80% effaced and 3 cm dilated. I was bummed. It was so painful I thought surely I was going through “transition” already! Shouldn’t I be something like 5 or 6 cm dilated at least? The pain!

There was meconium in the amniotic fluid, so I had to have the baby monitored the whole time and they needed to put an IV in me. OK, no problems, I thought. Who cares when you’re in this much pain! Just make the pain stop!!! At least for an hour so I can take a break.

But it was unrelenting and I thought to myself that there was no way I would be able to bear this unrelenting pain if I was going to progress THIS slowly.

The nurse, Maria (she should be a doula), popped into the room and I took the chance (desperate as I was) to ask the question: “How can I make my labor progress?” and she said, “Honestly” trying to be as gentle as possible, “stronger contractions.” And I said, “REALLY?” Thinking how strong my contractions already were. She said, “You have to relax through them. The uterus and cervix is a muscle and won’t dilate unless you relax it.”

It was then I thought, “This is do or die. It’s going to be way worse than this and I’ve got to relax through more pain!!”

So I became dead. I zoned out. Put on monastic music & turned the lights off. At this point, Cecilia our doula walked in. The angel! God’s grace to me. My soul was really downcast at that point. To do it without pain medication seemed an insurmountable task.

She told me how great I was doing working through the contractions – that fed my spirit. I must be on to something right.

I was hee hee hee hooing – and she said I was doing it right. So did Maria. Of course I don’t know why it was right, it just seemed to work in their minds.

I used the birthing ball and swayed left & right. For my back pain Cecilia rubbed my back for 30 minutes to an hour. I felt the baby moving. Could the head really turn? I was having tremendous back pain because the baby’s head was in the wrong position to come out.

I was talking to the baby now, saying “C’mon baby, turn…. Come on, baby… “and then “Relax! Relax!” While screwing my head into a pillow.

Then it got tiring & I thought “Geez how long can I endure this? Marie & Marcus delivered at 12 noon the next day. She labored 8 hours & it’s only 3am/4am for me. Sheesh. I’ve been here maybe an hour. Two at most.”

So I said to myself, “Dude I need to rest. Let me just lay down. Yes, it’ll all go away if I just lay down.”

So lay I did – on my left side, in case the baby needed to turn. Little did I know that the baby already turned! Suddenly the next contraction hit like an 8 point earthquake – wham! "Whoa…"

“Let’s get up!” I said in my mind. This is definitely hurting way more than when I was using the birthing ball and dancing/swaying to Christian hymns.

But just then Cecilia says, “You are having stronger ones this way. You should stay!”

So in my mind I said, “OK! do or die.” I can avoid pain or I can welcome it and let it work to bring the baby closer.

Cecilia was saying all these things and it helped me to choose my baby. My baby or less pain? That was the choice. I wanted less pain, and that was my gut instinct, until Cecilia said that every contraction will bring me closer to the baby.

So then I continued. I tried to imagine water washing over me with every contraction. Let it work! I said. Suddenly, I felt pressure on the cervix. “Pressure!” I yelled.

“That means you’re dilating.”

“Yes!”

Cecilia calls the nurse to ask her if I can get checked.

She comes in. I am 100% effaced and 7 cm dilated. It’s 4am or something ridiculous. Kevin & Cecilia can’t believe it. 2am I was 3cm. 4am and I am 7cm.

I said, “Woohoo!” and everyone laughs.

I was praising God in my heart. He had given me the grace to go from 3-7 cm. What grace! Now just 3 more to go.

But then I started getting shivers. Like, “Lalalalalala” uncontrollable, ridiculous shivers. Am I in transition?

Cecilia tells me, “Jean, It won’t get any harder than this. If you can just bear this through, you will have your baby in your arms very soon!”

So my spirits soared! I let the pain come like a rushing wave to engulf me and take over. I couldn’t resist it, I had to say, “Yes, pain come!” It was so emotional to be that vulnerable.

Then the urge to push suddenly came upon me. Ahh! Could the baby’s head be here? The nurse said I was 0 station, fully dilated and effaced and I said, “Darn!” I won’t be able to push until +1 or +2 station!” How long can I hold it off, plus the doc is in bed sleeping!!!

“Get Dr. Wu here!” I yelled.

It was almost comical at this point. I was so happy with the progress, but felt like now I was too fast that now I have to wait on the doc! And poor Doc, it’s 4:30am in the morning. I thought, “I really should be nicer to him!” He has to do this every night, sheesh!! What a life – OMG.

15 minutes later I really couldn’t hold it – the baby was at the door! They kept telling me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth – Lifesavers, those angels Maria & Cecilia. I was otherwise hyperventilating.

“Don’t push! Breathe through it!”

I hadn’t the faintest idea how: like what? It’s pushing itself, how do I hold it in? So I started clenching & then Cecilia says, “Don’t Clench!” So then I would let go, but then it would push! Ahhh!

“Mr. Doctor hurry up!” I screamed. Maria says something like, "He's on his way! Just hold on a little more!"

"I can't! It's coming out!"

Finally the doctor arrives! He checks me. I am 100% effaced, +3 station – dude! It’s all happening faster than you’re butt can get out of bed. I should've been able to push +1 station ago. Later, he told us he ran a red light. Haha. Livin’ on the edge! I mean, he’s pretty old! He says he’s been doing this for 40 years, so that means he’s at least 60 something.

Then he says, “I gotta change” So I said, “sure, sure!” in the sweetest tone. I amazed even myself.

Dude I can wait 2 minutes while he changes, what difference does it make?

Finally he’s in his scrubs – does he live in them?

And he comes up and I say, “Just don’t use episiotomy scissors on me!” That was part of my birth plan: no epidural, and no episiotomy.

And suddenly he says, "Ok, you can push now." I’m given the green light.

So I do and it feels good. And I push – like – maybe 5 contractions, 4 or 5 pushes per contraction, & she’s out!!

And the doctor says (at 3 contractions), If I just cut here, it could come out – and I’m like, “NO! I waited so long, I can wait a little more!” So he shuts up and starts stretching me & putting KY Jelly on me. And I said, “Thank you Dr. Wu.”

2 Contractions later & several hard pushes, the baby’s head is out, then hand, then butt – Kevin is crying!! He is crying so much because he sees the head!

And it’s a girl!

“It” turns into “she.” “Noelle” to be exact.

She is indescribable. An angel. She’s my daughter and she is sooo cute! I can’t believe God made her inside of me.

More on motherhood later. Now to learn how to breastfeed and to eat something. And to have the parents come visit. Kevin is at home sleeping and I am journaling. It’s 11am and men have been jackhammering outside my window since 8 am. Wow, I really wanna go home. The hospital is so uncomfortable."

Summer Harvest

2009-05-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

You know that summer is here when suddenly your box of produce from the local farmers goes from slim pickings to ALL THIS FRUIT! It's the first fruits of the year, and these farmers spent all of last year pruning and tending and planting so that this summer we could enjoy the harvest.

What a wonderful picture in nature that God has given us to reflect the spiritual realm. When we sow to the spirit, we will reap spiritual fruit. It always means lots of hard work and discipline pruning away what is useless and sinful in our lives while simultaneously planting a desire for God based on all that is true about Him. And all this done under faith that something will come out of it all. Then you wait through winter, and it's slim pickings for awhile. But then God causes the sun to shine and the rain to pour, and suddenly you see sprouts and blooms and suddenly the fruit starts coming in yummy and juicy. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." (Gal. 5:22)

This year, we have the first apricots, peaches, and cherries of the season (the citrus has been around for awhile already). And we got a fresh bouquet of chamomile, too! Don't you love how you can see the faithfulness of God in our food?

What Kevin has been up to lately

2009-05-06T17:07:00.001-07:00

ROCK CLIMBING! There they are at the top...

Here's Kevin with Ben, his rock-climbing buddy.

And here with the Morice family...

The Nursery is Done!

2009-05-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Mom, for helping me paint the room blue and to aunt Alice for letting me have your sofa that I could DIY reupholster. It was fun!

Do you like the monkey mural? Kevin and I have named the monkey JO-JO, and it'll look after the baby while he or she is sleeping. I finished the mural way back in January. It reminded me of an art class project. I took an image from online, blocked it out on graph paper, then blocked out a grid on the nursery wall. Then I transferred lines from block to block. Does that make sense?

Fun times!

Note: while I chose light blue and yellow because of their pretty softness and neutrality for our surprise baby, Kevin thinks that it's really our subconscious UCLA-alum loyalties bleeding through...

Baby Shower

2009-05-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple photos from the baby shower last month. Thanks so much, Judy and Kathy, for organizing such a loving and supportive event! And thanks everyone who attended. It was a special time.

33 Weeks Pregnant

2009-04-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

Do I even look bigger than two months ago? Photos don't do justice. I feel HUGE!! Yesterday Kevin and I were just walking around a store, and I had to sit down on a store display chair every 5 minutes or so. The baby feels like it's just going to drop out of me any day now and it's getting harder and harder to do anything.

Speaking of which, we've been a little nervous lately because I have suddenly been having a lot of contractions! The doctor got nervous, too, with the frequency that I have been having them, and he put me on some medicine to slow it down lest I go into preterm labor.

If you think of it, pray for me! I've had to suddenly restrict my activities and now I just spend most of my time either in bed or sitting down. Walking, driving, bending over, and lifting are just agony on the poor uterus, who is now toting around something like a 4 lb. baby.

But the baby is doing just fine! It's happy and content in mommy's belly, and seems to be preparing for a career in dance or acrobatics with the amount of kicker-cising it has scheduled for itself everyday. :) Thank God for that.

The Secret Ingredient Is...

2009-04-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

In the last month, I went through a baking frenzy - I made muffins, tarts, empanadas, focaccia bread, power bars (a.k.a candy bars), and more. It was in my system, this need to bake all sorts of creative things before the 3rd Trimester fatigue kicks in. The criteria for my goods were that they had to be healthy and delicious. In other words, Kevin had to be able to eat them and like them.

I made these muffins with a secret ingredient. It was sitting on my buffet for awhile and I had to think of a way to use it up. Kevin couldn't guess what it was and neither could my parents when they tried these yummy muffins. I'm telling you, these are YUMMY muffins! They turned out moist and fluffy, with just the right amount of sweetness and crunch on top.

The secret ingredient is...squash! In this case, I used the Japanese Kapocha squash that you can get from any asian market. The muffin is sweetened with squash and honey, and it is topped with a brown sugar-walnut streusal topping that gives just the right crunchy scrumdiddliumptiousness when you bite into it.

Here's a link to the recipe I used if you're interested in a healthy, low-sugar sweet treat: http://www.thenourishinggourmet.com/2008/10/spiced-pumpkin-or-squash-muffins-with-a-streusel-topping.html

The only thing I changed in the recipe was I used white flour instead of whole wheat flour, although I plan to bake more with whole wheat flour in the future (a challenge, since whole wheat flour can make baked goods taste heavy and wheaty).

To Baby (My 1st Letter)

2009-03-02T20:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Baby,

It's still very surreal that you are now in our lives. Mommy and daddy feel like babies ourselves, and having you feels like such a miracle.

I feel you kicking and moving inside my womb. You are about 28 weeks old. It's such a mystery how you came to be - God is truly sovereign in your life. You could have had problems in the first few weeks of life. God could have taken you to heaven while you were yet unformed. But He decided to give you life! You didn't miscarry. Baby, we hardly tried to have you, and here you are!

These days I am mostly wondering where is your head, and where are your feet inside my womb? Will you like eating cheese? Are you a boy or a girl?

I wonder what delivery will be like. What will I feel? What will you feel? What will it be like to nurse you for the first time?

You are such a miracle! How did you happen to us?

I pray that you will come to know and worship the God of the universe, that you will trust Jesus Christ, because, little baby, you will soon find out how much you'll need Him! We are such sinful creatures - welcome to the world!

The truth is, God brought you into the world because He has a plan for you. He wants to make Himself known to you, if you will seek after Him and obey Him.

I will try my best to love you as God would want me to. I will try my best to fear God first and not others.

I love you, Baby!

Love,
Mom

A Crash Course on Baby Supplies

2009-02-23T19:50:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, Howard and Grace gave us a three-hour crash course on everything we will ever need as parents of a newborn. We walked up and down the aisles of Babies R' Us, populating our baby registry with things like diapers, blankets, bottles, infant nail clippers, you name it.

Choosing the carseat and stroller was like buying a car - it was so intense! There's so many options, price ranges, colors, features.

By the end of our boot camp, Kevin and I were numb from baby supplies overload. But what amazed us more than the sheer amount of products available to the modern parent in America, was the staggering stamina of Howard and Grace! They walked up and down the aisles, explaining patiently and passionately what we will need our first year as parents, and all this while carrying or caring for their two kids who came along with us. I mean, they didn't even take a swig of water while we were in the store!

And did I mention their two kids? How sweet they are? They never mentioned their tired feet, but all I could think about was how my feet hurt so bad! Here they are, sweetly sitting outside Babies R' Us after our three-hour trek inside baby land.

All we can say is, Thank you, Grace and Howard, for setting aside your Saturday for us. We enjoyed eating the cheeseburgers and fries at your place, and we feel so blessed that you spent the afternoon with us at Babies R' Us. If it were up to us, it would have taken 10 times as long figuring out which car seat belongs to what stroller, and what level # of diapers we need for which age group. You made it so much easier for us! THANK YOU. We should also mention that spiritually, you've been a great encouragement to us as well. You are a living example of how to raise your children in the fear of the Lord, with humility and so much gentleness!

A Lovely Valentine's Bouquet

2009-02-14T11:22:00.000-08:00

This Saturday morning, Kevin went to go pick up our weekly box of organic produce. He drives about 15 minutes to a park in Sunland where tons of other families gather round a delivery truck that drops off organic produce just picked the day before from small farms in Central California.

We get the most scrumptious vegetables and fruits, all of them locally grown and seasonal, and it's always fun to see what kinds of dinners we'll have from the bounty of the land. Not only is the produce totally delicious, we've learned that they are more nutrient-dense than commercially grown produce. Plus it's cheap. Like, $33 for a big box that we can hardly finish, and we eat tons of fruits and vegetables for lunch and dinner. Beats going to Wholefoods or Trader Joe's anytime! http://www.abundantharvestorganics.com if you're interested.

Here's a handful of artichokes that we got, which I thought made a lovely Valentine's bouquet! :) Kevin wants to consume them soon, steamed and them dipped in mayonnaise.

Boy or Girl...

2009-02-09T23:24:00.000-08:00

If you watch the video from this post you can see the ultrasound where we were supposed to find out the sex of the baby but weren't able to because the baby's knees were together blocking our view of the privates! This is from December around 18 weeks.

Regardless the ultrasound was amazing and we can only praise God for the amazing work He is doing inside Jean's belly.

6.5 Months Pregnant

2009-02-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I are so excited to meet the little baby inside. There's less than four months left before I am due (May 26th, 2009).

Now that I am 6 1/2 months pregnant, my thoughts toward my baby are totally different than before. I feel it kicking, sometimes hiccuping in the middle of the night, and I know that God has done something miraculous. There's a little human being right underneath the skin of my belly! I love the baby more and more everyday; it goes everywhere I go. Sometimes I think of the song from that commercial, "My buddy, my buddy! Wherever I go, he goes!" "Kid sister, kid sister! Kid sister and meeeeeee!"

Contrast that to 5 months ago when I still couldn't believe that there was a real human developing inside. I freaked out the first time I felt it move, felt its body poke out like potatoes poke the skin of the bag they're in. It was so foreign, this stranger inside.

But God changes all that, and a mother can only marvel.

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16