Friday, December 30, 2011
I spin out of control. The world is a dizzying place. And my muscles are sore; they feel like melting jello.
This is my life right now on zero sleep. Do you like my metaphor?
Having a colicky infant is hard (she has inconsolable crying for hours every single day AND night). Having a colicky infant plus a highly active, non-napping toddler is very, very hard. I am really tired. Out of my mind exhausted.
But there is mercy for tomorrow morning.
I remember driving to the park. I probably shouldn't be driving. But I remember the oversized, swinging chair they have for the handicapped and kids with special needs there in the playground. I sat in that giant, cradling, contoured chair. And I swung back and forth, back and forth, my little baby strapped to me in the carrier I was wearing. It was the hand of God, that chair. I almost fell asleep there, quieted and soothed and rocked to sleep. Though nobody can see and many don't care, I am shrieking and crying and quite inconsolable at times inside my heart.
I rock my baby, and God rocks me. I will say it again. There is grace for tomorrow morning.
I respond to my baby every time she cries in pain; will God not respond to me? Will He not nurse me as I nurse my own child? "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Of if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him" (Matthew 7:9)
God hears my cries and He will answer and give grace for this moment and for the moment I will need it tomorrow.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tasha won't be left alone to sleep in her crib because she wants to be held. And so I hold her, gladly, knowing these days pass so fast and can it just stay like this forever?
She is propped between my legs and Noelle cuddles up against my side. Daddy brings a book and we, the four of us, read our bedtime story together. It's such a party. A sleepover.
It's so much fun that I don't want to stop with just one story. And usually it's Noelle who wants more than one book at bedtime. This time it's me.
But Kevin knows better - it's late for Noelle and for us, too. We were up until almost dawn with the newborn, but somehow the lack of sleep doesn't feel too bad.
The house is a lot noisier, too, with sounds of nonsensical chatter and singsong whimsy and baby's crying. Yesterday the walking and talking girl was climbing the stair rails yelling, "I'm trying to be a monkey! I'm trying to be a monkey!" while her father gritted his teeth and flared his nostrils with anxiety about her falling.
I am pretty much head over heels for my new little girl. She's the quiet one who just murmurs and nurses and breathes softly like a bird.
There is so much fat and marrow in these days. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; these days He has given and given and given. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Monday, November 7, 2011
I am a big, pregnant lady - belly swollen and skin stretched impossibly taut - sitting on a laughably small, white chair. There's a weight limit on that chair, but it's always held me for these nine months of weight gain, so I continue to sit next to her as she drifts off into sleep.
She likes her back to be scratched as she drifts. So I scratch it for her.
Her skin feels as thin as a balloon and underneath it are delicate bones. Like once when I felt a toy Yorkie and its quick, shallow breaths felt so fragile underneath the bones and soft fur as breakable as a hamster's.
Asleep now, her breaths are deeper and restful and slower. Her eyelids are shut together as softly as petals on her cheeks and I wonder where is she now? Somewhere I cannot follow, somewhere God takes her, takes all of us individually when we sleep.
She came from inside me - deep down in the dark unseen - her head once wedged between my pelvis, murky waters cushioning ears and eyes from sound and light. Somehow God put her together: she has skin, hair, miraculous eyes, impossible brain so intricate, ten fingers and ten toes. And she can laugh like I've never heard a person laugh before.
She started a baby with meconium poop from all the months inside my womb, and now she walks upright in the world and talks to us and when she sees me tired she says, "Mama, you lay down to sleep awhile." O, Child, when did you become so compassionate?
It's a brief time He's given to me with this child. I feel it falling out of my cupped hands like sand through the fingers. And I am reluctant to let it go.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
All the projects I wanted to do that called for this serged edge required a more expensive sewing machine. But, now, NO MORE!
I cannot believe it took me 10 years to realize that I can create a serged-like look with my humble, little machine by simply using an "over edge stitch."
Also known as the "overlock stitch," it is used to prevent the edge of a fabric from fraying. All you have to do is switch your presser foot to zigzag and sew your edge with half of the zigzag on the fabric and half of the zigzag off.
Or as my instruction manual writes: "Place the edge of the fabric under the presser foot so the needle enters the fabric when the left side of the zigzag stitch is sewn and misses the edge of the fabric with the right side of the stitch. Sew with this needle position along the edge of the fabric."
This little piece of knowledge - just like when I discovered how easy "bias tape" was to use - changes my creative sewing endeavors forever!!!
Going from mere "vision" to "reality of making the vision happen" is so rewarding. There's so much more to discover, too. I think over the years I've realized that I'm not really a crochet, knit, scrapbook or knick knack craft kind of person. But sewing has always stuck, and along with ballet (being my chosen form of dance), it is now a recognized recreational pursuit worth investing in.