You may or may not care, but I don't plan on having another baby in a hospital. Having another baby - YES, may God bless us (not that we are pregnant again). Birthing another baby inside the four walls of a hospital - NO, thank you.
When I talk about home birth, some people look at me like I have an elbow growing out of my forehead. Well, how do you think women have given birth for thousands of years before medical hospitals were invented. Midwives. All done at home.
And plus I live 4 minutes away from the hospital, so it's not like I couldn't get transferred in the event of an emergency.
But, WHY? is the question. Don't I want the comfort and safety of the hospital? Oh, the needles and tubes and wires and gadgets stuck to me, winding around my legs while I am trying to cope with labor pains; the nurse telling me I have to wait to push, even though the baby is already 2+ station coming out....just because they need the OB to catch the newborn...and the OB is not here yet?
Actually, the biggest reason I don't want to give birth in a hospital is for post-partum reasons. I literally did not sleep a wink at the hospital after giving birth to Noelle. We had her at 5am. I was not "discharged" until the following morning at 8am. Count the hours awake: somewhere around 49 to 50 hours, and the first quarter of those hours were spent in labor.
For a person like me, the hospital is not a place of safety, comfort and rest. Sorry! I just have trouble sleeping in an unfamiliar environment and those who have known me since I was young know that this is true. In fact, when Kevin and I first got married, it took me a full year to adjust and start sleeping well again! Normally, it's ok to to lose some sleep - but not when you've just gone through labor with no epidural, you haven't been sleeping well anyway because you were 38 weeks pregnant, and you won't be sleeping well for the next 3 months!!
When Kevin brought me and Noelle home from the hospital (this was after we begged them to release us so that I could go home and get some sleep), I remember collapsing in the comfort of our bed and thinking, "Never again."
Next time I am doing it at home. No more jackhammers (yes, they had jackhammers outside my hospital window), no more overhead calls from nurses broadcasting to other nurses in the ward (can you turn it off or at least turn it down? No, because the nurses need to be able to hear it), no more noise and hustle from interrupting nurses and pediatricians and doctors and photo-takers and religious clerics, no more being unable to sleep and nurse with the baby in bed, and no more separation from family (I didn't like being in the hospital alone with strangers who don't care about me).
Do I sound ungrateful? I'll try not to be and just say this: I am thankful that hospitals exist for the many times that births cannot happen naturally and need the help of pitocin, epidurals and c-sections. In the event that something goes wrong, I know I would be very thankful to be sent to the hospital to be cared for. And to give hospitals some more credit, some moms I know say that they had a good experience, that the nurses waited on them and it felt like a "hotel."
For me, however, if I am ever able to have another baby again, I know for sure that the hospital path is not one I will seek out. It might sound crazy, but to me, it sounds so normal to give birth at home.
Today we went to the Glendale Public Library where each Friday they have a story telling hour for babies and toddlers, followed by a play time. I thought it would be a good idea to get Noelle started in joining some regular play groups. This was perfect: close by, at the library (one of my favorite places), and right between her naps.
When we got there I knew that it would be what we do every Friday morning. There are bins and bins of toys, lots of babies crawling around and playing, and lots of mothers sitting around talking to each other. Noelle loved it! She is really at a stage where she does not like seeing other mothers (maybe it is related to her fear of having her mother switched out for another?), but she adores seeing other children. When they scream, she squeals. When they laugh, she giggles. It is a joy to witness. When she was there today, she watched the older kids banging the walls with a play hammer. They were engaging in imaginative play: "building a house," they said.
It will be at least a year before her mind is even ready for imaginative play. She is just beginning to have some imitative play. She will pick up her stacking cup and pretend to drink from it.
Right now she is into the minutiae. She wants to pick every little pebble, piece of fuzz, every speck of nothingness off of the floor. Then she wants to put whatever sticks to her finger into her mouth. Who knows what she has eaten? Well, I do - I am the one inspecting her diapers everyday!
One of the mothers at the library said that her son wants to eat and drink everything, too. She said she was horrified when she found her sound drinking from a puddle of water outside!
Last time I went to the children's library, I met a mother whose daughter, one month older than Noelle, was actually more petite than Noelle, whom I feared was not gaining weight adequately. It put my fears to rest after seeing for the first time, a baby smaller than Noelle.
This time at the children's library, I met two mothers who were talking about their birthing experience. They had both had water births at home. They both also happened to be yoga instructors. What caught my attention while they chatted was the fact that they had what they would describe as pretty painless births!
One mother said that she did a lot of prenatal yoga, along with hynobirthing techniques, and she had a painless birth! I could not believe my ears. She said there was some minor back discomfort during contractions, but it was over from start to finish in 6 hours.
The other mother said that while her labor was not painless, it was over in an hour! She said that she felt something in her back; then an hour later, she was giving birth in a tub of water and called it a day!
I always wanted to meet somebody who had had a home birth so I could ask questions and see what their experience was like. Both of these ladies said they would have it no other way, exclaiming that birthing is a very natural process and that women have been giving birth for thousands of years.
Yes, but what about all those women who died in childbirth? And all those infants who died, too? This is the reality, for those people who glamorize "natural childbirth." On the other hand, I have heard too many stories of mothers whose births were over-managed by western hospitals. C-sections galore there! Horrible birthing experiences. That is not the way it should be.
We learn things from people who are not doing it the conventional way. Camille was using an Ergo which she said was way more comfortable than a Baby Bjorn. Nice to know. It has lumbar support and they use it when hiking. I also learned that her PPO covered 4/5th of the cost of her home birth with Leslie Stewart, a midwife whom she highly recommended.
It was nice to come home from the library feeling like I had learned so much - but not from a book - from actual mothers who could tell me in person. And it was nice to hear something new - not just the same old, "I gave birth with this same OB-GYN, at this same hospital." It was a new avenue for me. I am going to look further into home births and am praying that it will be a possibility for us for the next birth.
This morning when I woke up I was having a contraction with cramps. They were coming on and off for weeks (if not months – the Doc made me take Terbutaline to stop “premature contractions” at 33 weeks and then again at 36 weeks).
I went to a checkup at the doctor’s office at 11:30am as part of my regularly scheduled appointments, and he said I was 38 ½ weeks (due date May 26, 2009), 70% effaced and 2 cm dilated.
By about 3:30 p.m. I noticed they (contractions) were getting pretty close together. Lying down or doing things didn’t make them go away. I started cooking at 4:30 p.m., and that’s when the cramps and pinkish bloody show came. By 6 we were eating dinner and I really felt the contractions growing in intensity. We packed the car after dinner, watched a TV show. I took a shower, packed Kevin a sandwich, and at 8pm we headed to the hospital. I was afraid that my water had broken, and my contractions (3-5 min. apart consistently) were going to cause the baby to come.
They observed me until 9:30pm; the nurse said the baby was doing beautifully with the contractions. That was good to hear. We could go home to go labor more there.
Now we are at home – Kevin’s belly is satiated with In-and-out, and I’ve just gorged on meatloaf and a bagel. We are listening to Christian hymns and it’s wonderful to have such beautiful truth to meditate on. It’s about 11 p.m. at night.
Here’s some more I hope to think about:
“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God. The faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.” Deuteronomy 7:9
“My soul, waits silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved.” Psalm 62:5-7"
"May 20th, 2009
I have given birth to a beautiful daughter! Here is the rest of the story of what happened:
We went upstairs to lay down at about midnight, and we were laying there until 1 pm and suddently I heard a POP!! My water broke!
Kevin leapt up from bed and we jetted out of the house to the Labor & Delivery Room. There was such a relief when it popped, but then suddenly the contractions seemed to get more painful. I started shaking. Kevin freaked out.
Somehow we made it to the triage shaking, I was checked to be 80% effaced and 3 cm dilated. I was bummed. It was so painful I thought surely I was going through “transition” already! Shouldn’t I be something like 5 or 6 cm dilated at least? The pain!
There was meconium in the amniotic fluid, so I had to have the baby monitored the whole time and they needed to put an IV in me. OK, no problems, I thought. Who cares when you’re in this much pain! Just make the pain stop!!! At least for an hour so I can take a break.
But it was unrelenting and I thought to myself that there was no way I would be able to bear this unrelenting pain if I was going to progress THIS slowly.
The nurse, Maria (she should be a doula), popped into the room and I took the chance (desperate as I was) to ask the question: “How can I make my labor progress?” and she said, “Honestly” trying to be as gentle as possible, “stronger contractions.” And I said, “REALLY?” Thinking how strong my contractions already were. She said, “You have to relax through them. The uterus and cervix is a muscle and won’t dilate unless you relax it.”
It was then I thought, “This is do or die. It’s going to be way worse than this and I’ve got to relax through more pain!!”
So I became dead. I zoned out. Put on monastic music & turned the lights off. At this point, Cecilia our doula walked in. The angel! God’s grace to me. My soul was really downcast at that point. To do it without pain medication seemed an insurmountable task.
She told me how great I was doing working through the contractions – that fed my spirit. I must be on to something right.
I was hee hee hee hooing – and she said I was doing it right. So did Maria. Of course I don’t know why it was right, it just seemed to work in their minds.
I used the birthing ball and swayed left & right. For my back pain Cecilia rubbed my back for 30 minutes to an hour. I felt the baby moving. Could the head really turn? I was having tremendous back pain because the baby’s head was in the wrong position to come out.
I was talking to the baby now, saying “C’mon baby, turn…. Come on, baby… “and then “Relax! Relax!” While screwing my head into a pillow.
Then it got tiring & I thought “Geez how long can I endure this? Marie & Marcus delivered at 12 noon the next day. She labored 8 hours & it’s only 3am/4am for me. Sheesh. I’ve been here maybe an hour. Two at most.”
So I said to myself, “Dude I need to rest. Let me just lay down. Yes, it’ll all go away if I just lay down.”
So lay I did – on my left side, in case the baby needed to turn. Little did I know that the baby already turned! Suddenly the next contraction hit like an 8 point earthquake – wham! "Whoa…"
“Let’s get up!” I said in my mind. This is definitely hurting way more than when I was using the birthing ball and dancing/swaying to Christian hymns.
But just then Cecilia says, “You are having stronger ones this way. You should stay!”
So in my mind I said, “OK! do or die.” I can avoid pain or I can welcome it and let it work to bring the baby closer.
Cecilia was saying all these things and it helped me to choose my baby. My baby or less pain? That was the choice. I wanted less pain, and that was my gut instinct, until Cecilia said that every contraction will bring me closer to the baby.
So then I continued. I tried to imagine water washing over me with every contraction. Let it work! I said. Suddenly, I felt pressure on the cervix. “Pressure!” I yelled.
“That means you’re dilating.”
“Yes!”
Cecilia calls the nurse to ask her if I can get checked.
She comes in. I am 100% effaced and 7 cm dilated. It’s 4am or something ridiculous. Kevin & Cecilia can’t believe it. 2am I was 3cm. 4am and I am 7cm.
I said, “Woohoo!” and everyone laughs.
I was praising God in my heart. He had given me the grace to go from 3-7 cm. What grace! Now just 3 more to go.
But then I started getting shivers. Like, “Lalalalalala” uncontrollable, ridiculous shivers. Am I in transition?
Cecilia tells me, “Jean, It won’t get any harder than this. If you can just bear this through, you will have your baby in your arms very soon!”
So my spirits soared! I let the pain come like a rushing wave to engulf me and take over. I couldn’t resist it, I had to say, “Yes, pain come!” It was so emotional to be that vulnerable.
Then the urge to push suddenly came upon me. Ahh! Could the baby’s head be here? The nurse said I was 0 station, fully dilated and effaced and I said, “Darn!” I won’t be able to push until +1 or +2 station!” How long can I hold it off, plus the doc is in bed sleeping!!!
“Get Dr. Wu here!” I yelled.
It was almost comical at this point. I was so happy with the progress, but felt like now I was too fast that now I have to wait on the doc! And poor Doc, it’s 4:30am in the morning. I thought, “I really should be nicer to him!” He has to do this every night, sheesh!! What a life – OMG.
15 minutes later I really couldn’t hold it – the baby was at the door! They kept telling me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth – Lifesavers, those angels Maria & Cecilia. I was otherwise hyperventilating.
“Don’t push! Breathe through it!”
I hadn’t the faintest idea how: like what? It’s pushing itself, how do I hold it in? So I started clenching & then Cecilia says, “Don’t Clench!” So then I would let go, but then it would push! Ahhh!
“Mr. Doctor hurry up!” I screamed. Maria says something like, "He's on his way! Just hold on a little more!"
"I can't! It's coming out!"
Finally the doctor arrives! He checks me. I am 100% effaced, +3 station – dude! It’s all happening faster than you’re butt can get out of bed. I should've been able to push +1 station ago. Later, he told us he ran a red light. Haha. Livin’ on the edge! I mean, he’s pretty old! He says he’s been doing this for 40 years, so that means he’s at least 60 something.
Then he says, “I gotta change” So I said, “sure, sure!” in the sweetest tone. I amazed even myself.
Dude I can wait 2 minutes while he changes, what difference does it make?
Finally he’s in his scrubs – does he live in them?
And he comes up and I say, “Just don’t use episiotomy scissors on me!” That was part of my birth plan: no epidural, and no episiotomy.
And suddenly he says, "Ok, you can push now." I’m given the green light.
So I do and it feels good. And I push – like – maybe 5 contractions, 4 or 5 pushes per contraction, & she’s out!!
And the doctor says (at 3 contractions), If I just cut here, it could come out – and I’m like, “NO! I waited so long, I can wait a little more!” So he shuts up and starts stretching me & putting KY Jelly on me. And I said, “Thank you Dr. Wu.”
2 Contractions later & several hard pushes, the baby’s head is out, then hand, then butt – Kevin is crying!! He is crying so much because he sees the head!
And it’s a girl!
“It” turns into “she.” “Noelle” to be exact.
She is indescribable. An angel. She’s my daughter and she is sooo cute! I can’t believe God made her inside of me.
More on motherhood later. Now to learn how to breastfeed and to eat something. And to have the parents come visit. Kevin is at home sleeping and I am journaling. It’s 11am and men have been jackhammering outside my window since 8 am. Wow, I really wanna go home. The hospital is so uncomfortable."
